Thursday, 12 April 2012

Well, I can do without this....

(Starting this post I see that Blogger has changed again *sigh* I wonder how long it'll take me to get the hang of it again)

Please take this past week away.  Do what you wish with it, I do not want it.  I'm emerging from another menopausally-induced depressive state and it fucking sucks.  I have cried more over the last 3 days than I have done over the previous 3 years at the very least (probably longer - I'm not a crier).

I've felt miserable and so, so sad.  And so full of self-pity that I was disgusted with myself while bawling my eyes out about how I've wasted my life and no-one loves me.  Because it's bollocks but the emotions become so overwhelming that you just can't ignore them.

I was recently reading on a board I frequent that tears shed from emotional stress are different to those shed at other times (although what other times they would be I don't know...physical pain maybe?) and scientific testing of the actual liquid in those tears show they contain stress hormones.  So, in effect, one of the reasons you feel better for having had a good cry when you're depressed and upset is because you're ridding yourself of some of these hormones via your tears.  I dunno.  I'm not a scientist but I remembered this while in the depths of despair yesterday morning and just decided to let it all out, in the hope that I could get rid of it.  So I ended up curled foetally on the bathroom floor, sobbing my heart out into a towel and hoping the neighbours couldn't hear me.

I'm not sure I felt much better because I ended up with a thumping headache on top of still feeling tearful and miserable.


I woke this morning actually feeling quite a lot more like me, at least up until about an hour ago, when a wave of misery overcame me again and I ended up having a little weep while sitting in the bath (I was actually having a bath, I wasn't just sitting in an empty bath with my clothes on, you understand).  Seems I'm not quite out of the woods yet.  This malarkey all started on Monday with the arrival of a 2-day late period which also left me extremely bloated and nauseous (so much so I thought I'd got a stomach bug) as well as headachey.  And then the misery started.

Good grief.

This week has been a complete and utter write-off, and it's all down to my stupid, stupid, bloody hormones.  If I can get my act together, I think it might be wise to visit my Traditional Chinese Medicine man and see what he can suggest because I'm going to go absolutely doolally if every month ends up being like this.

However one good thing has come out of it.  While I was pondering the uselessness of my life and the fact that I'm an enormous waste of space, for some reason the thought of finding a local adult education art class came to mind.  I like to think of myself as being a bit on the arty side, I've dabbled here and there, and always enjoyed doing art at school but haven't had a 'proper' class since then (and we're talking late 1970s here).  So yesterday, once I'd stopped crying enough to be able to see the computer screen properly, I got online and found a 10-week beginner's drawing class on Thursday afternoons for a couple of hours starting a week today in nearby Guildford.  I emailed for further details and have just had a reply that there is space on the course so tomorrow I'm going to phone up and book it.  I'll let you know how it goes.

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